Madison Friends of International Students

SOCIAL CUSTOMS

U.S. customs may seem confusing. If something is going on that interests you or confuses you or both don't hesitate to ask the people why they are doing what they are doing. You may get many different answers. Books about American manners and social customs are available in the library and bookstores.

Here are some customs most Americans agree upon:

Americans emphasize punctuality. It is very important to be "on time" at business, social, and public events. If you are late for an appointment, it may upset the day's schedule for the person you are meeting, making him or her late for the next appointment.

Our casual social conversation may be confusing. "How are you?" doesn't always mean that. It may mean "Good morning" or "Hello." In answer you may nod, smile, and say, "How are you?" And the greetings are in effect. On the other hand, "How are you feeling?" really means just that. You may reply that you have the flu, that your bones ache, or that you feel fine. "Be seeing you soon," "Drop by sometime," "We'll have you over for dinner soon," are sometimes friendly goodbyes, rather than plans for an early meeting.

If you think our conversation is chaotic, wait until you see us at a hockey game! The American language is vivid, changing, and expressive. It can be fun, after you understand our colloquialisms. Many international visitors find it helpful to carry a small dictionary at all times, to check on unfamiliar words or expressions.

Don't be alarmed if people begin to ask you what could be considered "personal" questions. In the U.S., it is acceptable for people who are getting to know each other to ask questions as a way to find topics of common interest. Remember that expressions and gestures that might be considered rude or offensive in your home country may be accepted in the U.S. Pointing with hands or feet, hand gestures, showing the soles of the feet, and asking personal questions are just some of the practices that are not considered offensive in the U.S., although they may be in your home country.

You might be surprised that most people, both men and women, will ask you to address them by their first name.

If you receive an invitation, be sure to answer promptly. If you cannot accept, the simple explanation that you will not be able to come is enough. It is better to refuse an invitation than to accept and then fail to go. If you refuse an invitation from the same person several times, it may be interpreted to mean that you are very busy or that you are not interested in becoming friends with that person. If you can accept, make sure of the place and time, and make a note of your host's telephone number. Let the host know if something happens and you can't attend, or if you will be unavoidably late.

R.S.V.P. If you receive a written invitation with the notation "R.S.V.P." on it, it means that you should contact the host by phone to let him or her know whether or not you can attend. For formal events, such as weddings or an official reception, you may receive a card that you can send to the host with your reply.

"Regrets only": If the invitation says "Regrets only," it means you contact the host only if you cannot attend. Otherwise, it is assumed that you will be present.

"Pot luck": A popular way for people to get together is to have a "pot luck" party. The host or hostess will invite a group of people to his or her home, with the expectation that everyone will bring something to contribute to the meal. Your hostess may ask you to bring a specific course: a salad or a dessert item, or a dish from your home country. If you don't have time to prepare anything, it's OK to bring some beverages or something you bought at the store. Again, if you're in doubt about whether you should bring anything, be sure to ask!

When an invitation to a party states the hours (for example, from 3:00 pm 5:00 pm, 5:00 pm 7:00 pm), it is acceptable to arrive twenty minutes or so after the beginning time, but do not stay much later than the stated ending time.

You are not expected to take a gift to your hosts. If you would like to give a gift, it is sometimes done at a small family gathering, but usually not at a large party.

If you would like to express your thanks after you have spent the evening at someone's home, you can send a note of thanks to your host. If you've been a dinner guest, you can call your host afterwards to express your thanks. In any case, your host will appreciate hearing from you.

In the U.S.A. it is the guest who takes the initiative in leaving. As a general guide, if you have been invited to a coffee, tea, cocktails, or an open house, stay one to two hours; to dinner, a two hour stay after the meal; to an evening party, two to three hours. Do not hesitate to stay longer if your hosts encourage you to.

Your American friends will appreciate it if you invite them to do something; it doesn't have to be a formal dinner at your house or an expensive form of entertainment. A long walk or a bike ride along the Lakeshore path on a nice day is one of Madison's best free forms of recreation.

Americans tend to make social contacts easily. Sometimes these contacts lead to lasting friendships, and sometimes they do not.

Friendships usually begin by chance conversations, or by going places and doing things together for example, sports events, restaurants, bars, university and church sponsored activities. Most arrangements for such events are informal. However, for formal parties, dinners, or dances, arrangements should be made several days in advance. Make sure of the place and time. It is important to let your friend know if something happens to prevent you from going or if you will be unavoidably late.

It is also important to remember that social interactions between men and women do not necessarily indicate romantic interest. In this country, it is normal social behavior to form many friendships with members of the opposite gender.

The term "to ask for a date" is used when there is a romantic interest. In the United States, it is more common for men to take the initiative and ask a woman for a "date." "Dates" tend to be informal: seeing a movie, an art exhibit or a concert, going for a walk or a bike ride. Asking is usually done informally, in a casual conversation or through a phone call.

It is becoming more common for women in the U.S. to invite men to join them for a movie or a concert. However, here in the U.S., many people have non romantic relationships with friends of the opposite gender. If you are living in the U.S. for the first time, you might be surprised at the number of men and women who have friends of the opposite gender. So, an invitation from a member of the opposite gender could very well mean that person is interested in getting to know you and become your friend but not necessarily your "girl friend" or "boy friend."

American students are very informal; don't be shocked if you notice students eating or drinking in class, chewing gum, putting their feet up on their desks, or addressing their professors by first name. This behavior is not a deliberate show of disrespect; it's accepted. Of course, some professors will set guidelines about eating or drinking in class; but many do not object to it. You'll also notice that students talk among themselves before and after class. This is often a good way to get to know the other people in your classes.

Your professor will also let you know on the first day how you should address him or her; many faculty will encourage you to address them by their first names. They will expect you to ask questions; it is not considered impolite or disrespectful to ask the professor or Teaching Assistant to explain something you don't understand.

Except in emergencies, it is best not to telephone an American family before 9:00 am or after 10:00 pm.

Customs vary. In general the following amounts are suggested:

• Restaurant bills: about 15 - 20%
• Food delivery persons (pizza or other): 10 - 15%
• Taxi fare: 10%
• Porters and bellboys: 50 cents to $1 for each piece of luggage
• Beauty shop operators: 10% of the price of the service
• Hotel maids: $1 $2 per day

You are not expected to tip service representatives who repair telephones or appliances in your home, gas station attendants, supermarket carry out assistants, barbers, clerks in shops, delivery persons, ushers in theaters, or mail carriers. You do not tip at the Memorial Union or at Union South or at any self service restaurants.

Your own national dress is appropriate for any occasion. In Madison, there are no strict rules for attire, and you'll see many varieties of dress at a particular occasion, from very casual to formal. If you are not sure how to dress, it is perfectly proper to ask what to wear. For students, dress is usually casual for most occasions. Men wear sport shirts or sweaters and pants, or business suits for most occasions. Women wear slacks or dresses. The most important thing is to feel comfortable in whatever you wear.

If you're not sure what "casual dress" is, spend a few minutes noticing what students, both men and women, on campus wear: blue jeans, athletic jackets and sweatshirts, running shoes. "Casual" usually implies clothes that are informal and comfortable.